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Wedding Day
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First, Set The Tone Of Your Wedding
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Published over a century ago by Dempsey & Carroll:
'Wedding Etiquette' and 'Marriage' |
"Earlier wedding etiquette incorporated fashion and tradition together in developing the complete wedding trousseau, including stationery."
Tradition still plays a significant role in wedding invitations. "The essential wordings and protocols have remained pretty much the same," says George, "although the demographic changes — such as the number of divorced parents — sometimes necessitate some creative approaches."
Styles have changed. "For example, people are using larger cards now than would have been in use in the 1880’s. I think some of the mores are interestingly outdated. Looking at these books gives you a sense of what Victorian-era New York was really like."
Some of the observations written in the book are shockingly out of date: "Marriage is much more to a woman than it is to a man. It only forms a part of his life while it constitutes the whole of hers."
"That is so outdated as to be laughable," says George. "The core of a relationship has changed. Now it constitutes a great deal in the lives of both men and women.
"But some of the advice and guidance — about the value of self-knowledge, patience, and understanding — is still relevant in creating a good wedding invitation and a happy, lasting marriage."
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Courtesy & Civility | Several Mailings | Small Wedddings, Big Announcements | Set Your Mood & Style
Courtesy and Civility
"The basic premise of what makes an invitation proper and what makes a wedding or a marriage work is simple courtesy," says George wisely. "There has been a great resurgence in protocol, something people took for granted at one point. When the Jerry Springers of the world bring out the less courteous side of society, people begin to appreciate simple civility."
That civility and sophistication is symbolized in your invitation, with its "consistent concern for informing the recipient and giving enough notice.
"Your guests feel like they’ve received something of value when they get a nice, engraved invitation. That hasn’t changed. You still have people who are concerned about their guests getting the correct impression and sense of what the wedding is going to be all about."
A Profound, Eternal Event
To a certain extent, Dempsey & Carroll has seen a return to solemnity that hasn’t been in vogue since the middle part of the last century. Perhaps it’s because so many recent studies have confirmed the negative effect which difficulties in marriage or a divorce have on the people involved and on their children.
"Back in the 1960’s and 1970’s, invitations had a lot of cutesy sayings. The wording would be off-the-cuff. ‘Please come and have a ball.’ It wasn’t much different from an invitation you might receive to a casual cocktail party.
"Now, most brides want the invitation to symbolize a more serious, solemn event.
"Obviously, a wedding is a cause for rejoicing. But it’s a profound event, and it should be an eternal event. If you’re marrying the right person and you do things the proper way, it should last for a lifetime.
"It’s a very hopeful sign for me that people are taking marriage more seriously, that they are looking at it as a lifetime commitment rather than just a temporary arrangement."
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Courtesy & Civility | Several Mailings | Small Wedddings, Big Announcements | Set Your Mood & Style
Several Mailings
Now that you are getting married, common courtesy suggests you plan for a whole series of mailings and correspondence with friends, family and business associates.
"From five to six months before the wedding, the bride will typically send out a ‘Hold the Date’ card. It’s not a formal wedding invitation, but it’s a harbinger of things to come."
Another way to alert your guests is through an engagement announcement. "You could use that in conjunction with a ‘Hold the Date’ card, though the announcement is typically worded to alert your guests to a more fun event."
Then there are bridal shower invitations, followed by rehearsal dinner invitations, which should be sent out a couple days after the wedding invitations.
Other accoutrements that go with the wedding stationery package include your reception and response cards. "Those aren’t proper protocol," notes George. "After receiving an invitation, your guests should sit down and compose a short note. That’s still considered the proper way to do it, and it happens with a certain percentage of guests, but now people expect to receive an RSVP card."
The reply would be brief: "We’re glad to hear about your wedding and we’d be happy to attend," or "Unfortunately, we’re going to be away that week so we can’t attend."
"In the same vein, the brides typically get informal stationery and envelopes that they use for thank you notes afterwards."
A Small, Intimate Wedding? Couple It With a Big Announcement
If you’re having a very small bridal event, either by nature of the venue, your budget or your preference for a family-only wedding — then announce it to the world.
"Wedding announcements are typically sent out the day after the wedding, or the first postal day after the wedding.
"I’ve seen instances where the wedding announcements were used to solicit gifts. But the typical bride sends them out to people who should know that they’re married."
Sometimes there will be a large church or temple ceremony and a smaller reception. "That’s tough to do if it’s on the same day. Some people do it on separate days, sometimes because they’re honoring Saturday or Sunday as the Sabbath and they’re taking a solemn approach rather than a festive one.
"If you’re going to have fewer people at your reception than at your ceremony, it should be done at a time and place away from the ceremony.
"It makes guests uncomfortable if they are then not invited to the celebration. I’ve seen events like that, and most people just don’t go at all."
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Courtesy & Civility | Several Mailings | Small Wedddings, Big Announcements | Set Your Mood & Style
Setting Your Mood and Style
"In creating your invitation, remember that it's the initial announcement to the world that you are getting married. It sets the tone and the whole image.
"You can have the best wedding, held in the best hotel with the best caterer and the best band. But if you have an invitation that reflects anything less than that, you won’t have people respond who ought to, and you’ll set a tone that’s incompatible with your event.
"If one were to use today’s terminology, the ‘marketing’ of the wedding is done by the invitation. If you receive an invitation from somebody you know as Gus or as Bill, and the invitation has their full name spelled out, you get the impression that this is an elegant event."
Dempsey & Carroll also has dealt with an array of international weddings, which requires a different approach to creating the invitation. "If the bride is from Europe and the groom is from the US, their stationery is going to appear a certain way in order to appeal to both audiences."
European traditions encourage more information. Their invitations tend to have the addresses of both sets of parents, and are a little more wordy. "In America we look for the ‘cleanest’ invitation we can get."
Invitations and Logistics
Every bride frets over how many people can fit in the reception room, who to invite, and how many people are likely to respond.
"The first consideration for most people is their budget. We had a couple hold a beautiful wedding in a lighthouse. It obviously had a limited capacity, and they used the announcement as a way of telling a large number of people about the wedding.
"People need to ask themselves who they want to be there to celebrate with. In terms of response, expect a high percentage of RSVP’s if you invite friends and family. Determine the maximum number of invitations you think you’ll need, and then get another 25.
"It doesn’t cost that much more, and you’ll have something for posterity. I have an invitation to my parents’ wedding and I have four siblings who would love to have one for themselves. I’d love to have my great-grandparents’ invitation. Down the road there will be lots and lots of people who will want to have your wedding invitations."
Wedding Decisions
"It’s interesting as an engraver to see couples coming into the store and asking questions. You see a lot about how this relationship is going to develop by the manner in which they choose their invitations. It’s a way of seeing how they will handle all the compromises that a husband and wife are going to encounter throughout their lives.
"When I first bought Bethesda Engravers in Washington, we had a bride who was a relatively important person in Washington society. She called six weeks prior to the wedding to make a change in the invitation. We still had time to make it." The church was the same, the receptionsite was the same, the date and time were the same. "We calmly stood by as she dictated the name of the new groom, six weeks before the wedding." What happened?
"There are questions that we just don’t ask."
Treasured Keepsakes
"You garner respect by having a nice, clean, well-worded, properly spaced invitation. Your wedding invitation is something your children, grandchildren and great-grandchildren are going to look at," says George.
If you regard your invitation, the first announcement of your future life, as a keepsake you are creating for your descendants — then you are on your way to a long and fruitful love.
