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Your Own Vows:

What Do You Appreciate?

“Instead of exchanging vows,” says Rabbi Renee Feller, “I might encourage the bride and groom to explore what they appreciate about one another. Then, during the ceremony, they would tell each other and their assembled family and friends why they want to marry.”

To create such a personal ceremony, Rabbi Feller spends a lot of time with the bride and groom. “Then I can base my ceremony on what they feel about their families and each other, as well as how they met and, perhaps most important, what they want from their marriage.

“In our second meeting I ask what they appreciate about one another, and what they see as the challenges in their relationship.” Once she has created the ceremony, Rabbi Feller e-mails a rough draft to the bridal couple.

“We spend hours together, and by the time I officiate, it’s like I’m part of the family. People always ask if I’ve known them and their families for years.”

These discussions help make the ceremony unique to the bride and groom. “When we meet closer to the wedding and they say what they appreciate about each other and the challenges they face together, it’s always amazing. They say things to each other they’ve often never even mentioned before.”

Of course, one of the biggest challenges couples face is not having enough time together because of two busy careers. “They also begin to address that in our meetings,” says Rabbi Feller. “They also discuss the good things. What I’ve seen that is always very important is to truly be an unconditional listener. I’ve seen many people discover how much they were appreciated for that, and they in turn are very touched when they see how much it means to their mate.”

Rabbi Feller also presents her couples with various examples of specific vows they might want to consider.

“Some brides want to say, ‘You always put me first, above everyone else,’ ‘You make me feel like a whole person,’ or ‘You accept me for who I am.’ ”

She also gives more traditional choices, like this one: “I, Marsha take you Ivan, to be my husband, my partner in life, and my one true love. I pledge to be faithful to you, to support you in times of trouble, and to laugh with you in times of happiness. I promise to always be open and honest with you, confide in you, and trust you above all others. I will respect you in everything as an equal partner. But most of all, I promise to love you with all my heart and soul for eternity.”

A Deep Faith
Rabbi Feller came to her field, and back to her faith, after being a Holocaust survivor. “During the war, I was in Auschwitz. I lost my whole family. And after the war, I certainly didn’t believe in God anymore. It took me many decades of searching, because I had all this armor around me. That’s how I survived.

“But little by little, I realized I had to come back to who I was. I was hiding internally as a Jew because of what I had experienced. My husband encouraged me to explore my faith. I began going to synagogue, and it became very meaningful for me.

“It touched a core I had covered over for many decades, and it came as a big revelation, but I finally realized I had to come back to who I am. Then I studied to become a rabbi.”

Even as a child, Rabbi Feller had a fantasy about being on stage. “And now here I am, in front of hundreds of people over and over again, telling the world I am a Jew, helping to bring people together. I have done so much work on myself to reach this point. It has been a tremendously healing experience, and now I get to share this joy.”

Rabbi Renee Feller
212.799.2012
800.284.6843
www.rabbireneefeller.com